1. Two peanuts walk into a bar, and one was a salted.
  2. A dyslexic man walks into a bra.
  3. An invisible man marries an invisible woman. The kids were nothing to look at either.
  4. Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: “Does this taste funny to you?”
  5. Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love and got married. The ceremony wasn’t much, but the reception was excellent.
  6. Daughter - iPod. Son - iPhone. Mom - iPad. Dad - iPay.
  7. Some people just need a hug... Around their neck.. With a rope.
  8. L.I.F.E = Living Isn't Fucking Easy.
  9. school taught me a lot of stuff but mostly it taught me how to get ready in 15 minutes.
  10. Friends are like snowflakes. Once you pee on them, they disappear.
  11. She texted me: "Your adorable." I replied: "No .YOU'RE adorable." Now she likes me. All I did was point out her typo.
  12. Don't judge a book by its cover. My math textbook has a picture of someone enjoying themselves on it. I did not enjoy myself at all.
  13. Son: Hey dad! I got a girlfriend! Dad: Nice son, is she hot? Son: Hell yeah! Girl: Hey Dad! I got a boyfriend! Dad: *Loads shotgun*
  14. MY attitude is based on how YOU treat ME.
  15. Me: studies for 5 minutes Me: I can't do this anymore
  16. Girls over think. Boys don't think. ¯\( o__O )/¯
  17. That awkward moment when someone skinnier than you says "I'm so fat." and you stand there like (-_-)
  18. Life is too short to worry about stupid things.
  19. me every 5 minutes in a movie: this is my favorite part.
  20. I think we'll be friends forever because we're too lazy to find new friends.
  21. Dont think, just drink.
  22. Blanket on, too hot. Blanket off, too cold. One leg out, perfect. Till the demon of Paranormal Activity grabs it and drags you down the hall.
  23. There are five types of fear. 1. terror 2: panic 3. 14 missed calls from mom 4: username or password is incorrect 5. we need to talk.
  24. "ALL GUYS ARE THE SAME" Nobody told you to try them all, bitch.
  25. (1) Vodka is made from potatoes. (2) Potatoes are vegetables. (3) Vegetables are good for you. You're welcome.
  26. Of course I talk to myself, sometimes I need expert advice.
  27. Facebook is where you lie to people you know, and Twitter is where you're honest to strangers.
  28. Everyone: Are u okay Everyone: You look tired Everyone: You look upset Everyone: You look confused Everyone: Are u mad at me Me: ITS MY FACE.
  29. Girl: Baby, take me somewhere expensive Guy: Ok *Pulls Into Gas Station* Girl: WHY ARE WE HERE!!? Guy: B*TCH, YOU SEE THOSE PRICES!!
  30. First love is important but last love is VERY VERY important because first love teaches what is love & the last love teaches WHAT IS LIFE.
  31. You know when you walk into a room and forget why you went in there? Thats God playing sims, he just canceled your action.
  32. I jogged for one minute where is my summer body?
  33. God is pretty creative. I mean, look at me.
  34. Boobs are good, but asses are great...
  35. No matter how many gross things you tell me about McDonald's, I’m still going to eat it and you can’t stop me.
  36. I don’t understand why people need to do drugs or party in order to have fun, have you tried mac n cheese..
  37. Cute guys make you crazy. Hot guys make you drool. Cool guys make you daydream. But, FUNNY GUYS make you fall in love.
  38. My voice sounds great when I'm singing with my earphones on, Then I take them off and I realize I sound like a dying walrus.
  39. Parties be like... Females: free Males: $95 ..
  40. I like to have sex in the kitchen so she doesn't have to walk to far to make me a sandwich after. You know, because I'm a gentleman.
  41. Girls who say, "a lot of guys are after me", should keep in mind that low prices always attract many customers.
  42. I have many talents... For example: Sleeping.
  43. Some girls put more effort into naming their facebook profile pic than I put into my life.
  44. I wish I could live inside my dreams
  45. If I show you a picture on my phone, don’t swipe left, don’t swipe right. Just look.
  46. short horror story: old pictures of me
  47. It’s 2014 why does food still have calories
  48. Any day when you can stay in pajamas the whole time is a good day.
  49. I am actually really nice, until you annoy me.
  50. It's funny how fast you can wake up when you realize you've overslept.
  51. I wish I was born an octopus, so i could bitch slap eight bitches at once.
  52. Is everything expensive or am i just poor?
  53. Admit it. You have no idea how to play Minesweeper. You just click random boxes.
  54. That awkward moment when you are at your friend's house and their parents start screaming at them.
  55. An ugly personality destroys a pretty face.
  56. I wish there was a pen that could copy and paste.
  57. Facebook makes you hate people you actually know. Twitter makes you love people you've never met.
  58. Before bed: I don't wanna go to bed! In bed: I don't wanna get up! Before shower: I don't wanna take a shower! In shower: I don't wanna get out.
  59. The problem with you is that you exist.
  60. When will you realize that your opinion doesn't fucking matter to me?
  61. Those small rocks that get in your shoe for no fucking reason.
  62. You're not funny. You're annoying.
  63. Strict parents create sneaky children.
  64. I don't hate you, I'm just done with you.
  65. I would actually use Siri if the voice sounded like Morgan Freeman.
  66. I watched Transformers today. I've spent 2 hours in my garage telling my car I know his secret. He's shy.
  67. Cop: "Sir, what's in the bottle next to you? Me: "It's water" Cop: "Sir, this is wine" Me: "What? That damn Jesus, at it again!"
  68. Getting married at 21 sounds a lot like leaving a party at 9:30pm.
  69. How my week goes: Mooooonnnnnddddddddddaaaaaay Tuuuuuuueeeessdddddayyy Weeeedddddneeesdayyy Thhhhhurrrrrsdayyyy FridaySaturdaySunday.
  70. I didn't text you, Jack Daniels texted you.
  71. *Sends risky text* 15 seconds later no reply. "Oh God what have I done!"
  72. "Are you cold?" "No, I'm on vibrate mode..."
  73. In a Movie: Man Dies= Ha Ha, Useless man, Women Dies= Ha Ha That's what you get, Dog Dies= NO, Not the dog, Why the dog.
  74. I'm obviously not as smart as Steve Jobs, but I'd make the charger about 2 feet longer.
  75. "Hey, can I borrow a pen?" *Hmmm, which pen do I not need back?*
  76. Every 60 seconds in Africa, a minute passes.
  77. People who don't like bacon cannot be trusted, end of story.
  78. Mom says "Alcohol is your enemy"... Jesus says "Love your enemy"
  79. I wonder how long it would take a giraffe to throw up.
  80. Girls who pretend to act stupid because they think it's cute need to be slapped in the face with a brick.
  81. If women ruled the world there would be no wars, Just a bunch of angry countries not talking to each other.
  82. How to get a woman mad in 2 easy steps: 1. Take a picture of her. 2. Don't show it to her.
  83. Girls eyebrows nowadays look like Nike signs.
  84. Calling other people ugly, doesn't make you any prettier.
  85. Daaaaamn girl are you a smoke detector cause you’re annoying and won’t shut the fuck up.
  86. From a girls point of view, the guy always chooses the slut. From a guys point of view, the girl always chooses the jerk.
  87. A jealous woman does better research than the FBI.
  88. How to do Math: 1. Write down question. 2. Cry.
  89. "Are you taking any foreign language classes this year?" "Math."
  90. If school isn't a place to sleep, then home isn't a place to study.
  91. School uses a lot of paper, paper comes from trees, trees give us oxygen, we need oxygen to live. Oh, cool. Teachers want to kill me.
  92. Tips to reduce weight: First turn your head to the right, then turn it to the left. Repeat this every time you are offered something to eat.
  93. "I'm gonna lose weight. I'm gonna exercise everyday. I'm gonna go on a diet and stick to it." ....... "Is that cake?"
  94. Me: I'm so full omg I'm not gonna eat for days........... Me: Are those brownies?
  95. I would lose weight, but I hate losing.
  96. Q. Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact? A. Breasts don't have eyes.
  97. Wow seriously? 13 year olds having sex and getting drunk? When I was 13 I was injecting heroin and had committed my 4th murder, pussies.
  98. All women want is sex. All guys want is to cuddle and have a good conversation.
  99. Getting back with your ex is like taking a shower and putting back on your dirty underwear.
  100. Before sex, you help each other get naked. After sex, you only dress yourself. Moral of the story: No one helps you once you're fucked.
  101. I don’t hate you. I just hope that your next period happens in a shark tank.
  102. Best Threesome: Me. My Bed. My Pillow.
  103. You're not popular. Your vagina is.
  104. In your bed, It's 6AM, You close your eyes for 5 minutes, It's 7:45. At school, It's 12:30, You close your eyes for 5 minutes, It's 12:30.
  105. "You will never know the true value of a moment until it becomes a memory." – Spongebob.
  106. All guys should learn from Mario. No matter how far their princess is, they should go after her.
  107. No matter how bad your day seems, just remember that someone out there has to clean the bathrooms at Taco Bell.
  108. Love isn't complicated, people are.
  109. That sad moment when you take 50 pictures of yourself and they all suck.
  110. Thanks for texting me first and then ignoring my reply.
  111. It's perfect cuddling weather.......Hi bed. Hi pillow. Tonight we're having a date.
  112. When I'm available no one texts me. But when I'm busy... BAM! ...still no one texts me..
  113. I don't hate you. I'm just not necessarily excited about your existence.
  114. Me: Why am I still single? Brain: You're weird as shit. Body:You're fat. Face:You're pretty ugly. Food: Don't worry babe, I'm here for you.
  115. I was singing a song...You joined in...I don't wanna sing it anymore.


ではでは、See you later, alligator.