JOKES
どこが面白いのか分からない私は生粋の日本人。
いや、半分くらいは意味は分かるんですけどね。
- Two peanuts walk into a bar, and one was a salted.
- A dyslexic man walks into a bra.
- An invisible man marries an invisible woman. The kids were nothing to look at either.
- Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: “Does this taste funny to you?”
- Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love and got married. The ceremony wasn’t much, but the reception was excellent.
- Daughter - iPod. Son - iPhone. Mom - iPad. Dad - iPay.
- Some people just need a hug... Around their neck.. With a rope.
- L.I.F.E = Living Isn't Fucking Easy.
- school taught me a lot of stuff but mostly it taught me how to get ready in 15 minutes.
- Friends are like snowflakes. Once you pee on them, they disappear.
- She texted me: "Your adorable." I replied: "No .YOU'RE adorable." Now she likes me. All I did was point out her typo.
- Don't judge a book by its cover. My math textbook has a picture of someone enjoying themselves on it. I did not enjoy myself at all.
- Son: Hey dad! I got a girlfriend! Dad: Nice son, is she hot? Son: Hell yeah! Girl: Hey Dad! I got a boyfriend! Dad: *Loads shotgun*
- MY attitude is based on how YOU treat ME.
- Me: studies for 5 minutes Me: I can't do this anymore
- Girls over think. Boys don't think. ¯\( o__O )/¯
- That awkward moment when someone skinnier than you says "I'm so fat." and you stand there like (-_-)
- Life is too short to worry about stupid things.
- me every 5 minutes in a movie: this is my favorite part.
- I think we'll be friends forever because we're too lazy to find new friends.
- Dont think, just drink.
- Blanket on, too hot. Blanket off, too cold. One leg out, perfect. Till the demon of Paranormal Activity grabs it and drags you down the hall.
- There are five types of fear. 1. terror 2: panic 3. 14 missed calls from mom 4: username or password is incorrect 5. we need to talk.
- "ALL GUYS ARE THE SAME" Nobody told you to try them all, bitch.
- (1) Vodka is made from potatoes. (2) Potatoes are vegetables. (3) Vegetables are good for you. You're welcome.
- Of course I talk to myself, sometimes I need expert advice.
- Facebook is where you lie to people you know, and Twitter is where you're honest to strangers.
- Everyone: Are u okay Everyone: You look tired Everyone: You look upset Everyone: You look confused Everyone: Are u mad at me Me: ITS MY FACE.
- Girl: Baby, take me somewhere expensive Guy: Ok *Pulls Into Gas Station* Girl: WHY ARE WE HERE!!? Guy: B*TCH, YOU SEE THOSE PRICES!!
- First love is important but last love is VERY VERY important because first love teaches what is love & the last love teaches WHAT IS LIFE.
- You know when you walk into a room and forget why you went in there? Thats God playing sims, he just canceled your action.
- I jogged for one minute where is my summer body?
- God is pretty creative. I mean, look at me.
- Boobs are good, but asses are great...
- No matter how many gross things you tell me about McDonald's, I’m still going to eat it and you can’t stop me.
- I don’t understand why people need to do drugs or party in order to have fun, have you tried mac n cheese..
- Cute guys make you crazy. Hot guys make you drool. Cool guys make you daydream. But, FUNNY GUYS make you fall in love.
- My voice sounds great when I'm singing with my earphones on, Then I take them off and I realize I sound like a dying walrus.
- Parties be like... Females: free Males: $95 ..
- I like to have sex in the kitchen so she doesn't have to walk to far to make me a sandwich after. You know, because I'm a gentleman.
- Girls who say, "a lot of guys are after me", should keep in mind that low prices always attract many customers.
- I have many talents... For example: Sleeping.
- Some girls put more effort into naming their facebook profile pic than I put into my life.
- I wish I could live inside my dreams
- If I show you a picture on my phone, don’t swipe left, don’t swipe right. Just look.
- short horror story: old pictures of me
- It’s 2014 why does food still have calories
- Any day when you can stay in pajamas the whole time is a good day.
- I am actually really nice, until you annoy me.
- It's funny how fast you can wake up when you realize you've overslept.
- I wish I was born an octopus, so i could bitch slap eight bitches at once.
- Is everything expensive or am i just poor?
- Admit it. You have no idea how to play Minesweeper. You just click random boxes.
- That awkward moment when you are at your friend's house and their parents start screaming at them.
- An ugly personality destroys a pretty face.
- I wish there was a pen that could copy and paste.
- Facebook makes you hate people you actually know. Twitter makes you love people you've never met.
- Before bed: I don't wanna go to bed! In bed: I don't wanna get up! Before shower: I don't wanna take a shower! In shower: I don't wanna get out.
- The problem with you is that you exist.
- When will you realize that your opinion doesn't fucking matter to me?
- Those small rocks that get in your shoe for no fucking reason.
- You're not funny. You're annoying.
- Strict parents create sneaky children.
- I don't hate you, I'm just done with you.
- I would actually use Siri if the voice sounded like Morgan Freeman.
- I watched Transformers today. I've spent 2 hours in my garage telling my car I know his secret. He's shy.
- Cop: "Sir, what's in the bottle next to you? Me: "It's water" Cop: "Sir, this is wine" Me: "What? That damn Jesus, at it again!"
- Getting married at 21 sounds a lot like leaving a party at 9:30pm.
- How my week goes: Mooooonnnnnddddddddddaaaaaay Tuuuuuuueeeessdddddayyy Weeeedddddneeesdayyy Thhhhhurrrrrsdayyyy FridaySaturdaySunday.
- I didn't text you, Jack Daniels texted you.
- *Sends risky text* 15 seconds later no reply. "Oh God what have I done!"
- "Are you cold?" "No, I'm on vibrate mode..."
- In a Movie: Man Dies= Ha Ha, Useless man, Women Dies= Ha Ha That's what you get, Dog Dies= NO, Not the dog, Why the dog.
- I'm obviously not as smart as Steve Jobs, but I'd make the charger about 2 feet longer.
- "Hey, can I borrow a pen?" *Hmmm, which pen do I not need back?*
- Every 60 seconds in Africa, a minute passes.
- People who don't like bacon cannot be trusted, end of story.
- Mom says "Alcohol is your enemy"... Jesus says "Love your enemy"
- I wonder how long it would take a giraffe to throw up.
- Girls who pretend to act stupid because they think it's cute need to be slapped in the face with a brick.
- If women ruled the world there would be no wars, Just a bunch of angry countries not talking to each other.
- How to get a woman mad in 2 easy steps: 1. Take a picture of her. 2. Don't show it to her.
- Girls eyebrows nowadays look like Nike signs.
- Calling other people ugly, doesn't make you any prettier.
- Daaaaamn girl are you a smoke detector cause you’re annoying and won’t shut the fuck up.
- From a girls point of view, the guy always chooses the slut. From a guys point of view, the girl always chooses the jerk.
- A jealous woman does better research than the FBI.
- How to do Math: 1. Write down question. 2. Cry.
- "Are you taking any foreign language classes this year?" "Math."
- If school isn't a place to sleep, then home isn't a place to study.
- School uses a lot of paper, paper comes from trees, trees give us oxygen, we need oxygen to live. Oh, cool. Teachers want to kill me.
- Tips to reduce weight: First turn your head to the right, then turn it to the left. Repeat this every time you are offered something to eat.
- "I'm gonna lose weight. I'm gonna exercise everyday. I'm gonna go on a diet and stick to it." ....... "Is that cake?"
- Me: I'm so full omg I'm not gonna eat for days........... Me: Are those brownies?
- I would lose weight, but I hate losing.
- Q. Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact? A. Breasts don't have eyes.
- Wow seriously? 13 year olds having sex and getting drunk? When I was 13 I was injecting heroin and had committed my 4th murder, pussies.
- All women want is sex. All guys want is to cuddle and have a good conversation.
- Getting back with your ex is like taking a shower and putting back on your dirty underwear.
- Before sex, you help each other get naked. After sex, you only dress yourself. Moral of the story: No one helps you once you're fucked.
- I don’t hate you. I just hope that your next period happens in a shark tank.
- Best Threesome: Me. My Bed. My Pillow.
- You're not popular. Your vagina is.
- In your bed, It's 6AM, You close your eyes for 5 minutes, It's 7:45. At school, It's 12:30, You close your eyes for 5 minutes, It's 12:30.
- "You will never know the true value of a moment until it becomes a memory." – Spongebob.
- All guys should learn from Mario. No matter how far their princess is, they should go after her.
- No matter how bad your day seems, just remember that someone out there has to clean the bathrooms at Taco Bell.
- Love isn't complicated, people are.
- That sad moment when you take 50 pictures of yourself and they all suck.
- Thanks for texting me first and then ignoring my reply.
- It's perfect cuddling weather.......Hi bed. Hi pillow. Tonight we're having a date.
- When I'm available no one texts me. But when I'm busy... BAM! ...still no one texts me..
- I don't hate you. I'm just not necessarily excited about your existence.
- Me: Why am I still single? Brain: You're weird as shit. Body:You're fat. Face:You're pretty ugly. Food: Don't worry babe, I'm here for you.
- I was singing a song...You joined in...I don't wanna sing it anymore.
ではでは、See you later, alligator.